It’s my birthday today. I’m 49. Instead of celebrating, rejoicing and having fun (isn’t that what I should be doing?) I’m isolating myself and struggling with anxiety.
We are complex creatures, made up of many different parts and all my parts are losing their fucking minds.
Doris Doris sees the big 5-0 as the arm on one of those games of chance. You know the ones. They’re constantly pushing the prizes forward. A little at a time. Shunting, shunting, shunting until the prize finally tips over the edge. That’s Doris being shunted ever forward towards old age. When Doris tips over the edge she’ll be 50, old, over the hill, ancient. How did this happen? How is she almost 50? The fear is immense. It’s like a massive flat rock sinking deeper and deeper into her chest.
Sharon Sharon is frantically pacing the room. Trying to quell the anxiety threatening to consume her. She wants so much. Much more that she has. Why can’t she get it? How can she make it happen? She’s tried so many different avenues. She’s started, half-started and restarted so many different tasks to create the life she sees in her mind’s eye. It’s not working. What is she doing wrong? Will it ever happen for her? You get the gist.
Ethel Ethel is rocking in the corner. Shrouded in self defeat and pity. She’s a shit life coach, her boss hates her, she’s fucked up her kids, she’s a crap friend. She should just accept defeat and suck it up. She’s failed. She’s a failure.
So instead of doing what I should be doing, all the different parts of me have scattered. They’ve gone AWOL.
There is a tiny, miniscule part of me left.
Tanya Tanya is calm, patient, kind and loving. She's a lightworker. She seeks out all the other parts and wraps each one in her soft, white light. She pours all her calm, patient and kind love into the other parts. She gathers all those parts together, binding us back into one divine being. That white light penetrates all the dark and lonely places. It floods through every cell of my body. It illuminates my soul. All my parts cling to one another, taking what they need and giving what is needed. We are back together, where we belong. All those parts have not changed, they are still there; Doris, Sharon, Ethel and Tanya. Still so vastly different from each other but together in the one being.
That’s the way it’s supposed to be. That’s normal.